JSG: Oh, sweetheart. You know, one thing I love about you is the humility with which you think in all of your relationships. And, aww, bless you for that, honey. BB: It should be in colleges, it should be airlifted and dropped into people’s houses, because this is real, and in my research on shame, the loneliness comes from not having the courage or the grounded confidence to be loved and to love. And to do these things that you’re talking about. This skills building. This is like the equivalent of a basketball, how to shoot a three-pointer. This is everything. And so, I’m super grateful for it. JG: So, the randomized clinical trial study has not been done. The controlled study has not been done yet. In arguments, they take one of two approaches. They'll either need to be right and have the last word or they’ll start 'stonewalling': refusing to communicate with you, even if you ask repeatedly.

They are more interested in themselves and their experiences than yours due to high levels of egocentricity.

BB: Okay. I’m going to do both of these things for everybody listening, let’s try to do both. Let’s try to raise up our mindfulness and awareness about bids for connection. Just recognizing them because I think that in itself is a skill that most of us were not raised with. And something that I’ve had to teach my kids when they had their first girlfriends or boyfriends. Like “I wonder if she’s saying that because she’s hoping for this?” “Well, how will I know?” And then “What if that’s not what that means. And then what do I do?” “You may have to ask.” So just awareness about what a bid looks like and stay aware of them. And then if asked to do something, I’m going to say, “Okay,” or “Sure,” or “I got it,” and then I’ll just put a reasonable parameter on it if I can’t do it right then and I’m just going to see what happens. Like I have to say, I’m married to someone, Steve, if I ask him to do something and I don’t appreciate this enough, 99% of the time he’ll say, “Got it, got you” or “No problem, I’m on it.” Life is short. Do not forget about the most important things in our life, living for other people and doing good for them.”—Marcus Aurelius

We'll cover that in the next section, but first, here are some of the most common causes of a low EQ. BB: What happens, I’m just curious from y’all’s experience, clinically, observationally, what’s the outcome when we hold people accountable for meeting needs that we have not articulated? BB: So why is there such a mythology in addition to, “I have to be laying and snuggling the tree every day for six hours if I’m going to nurture it.” In addition to the time myth, why is there… Is it just early psychology that, “If we’re going to do important couples work together, it’s just going to be brutal conflict, put it all out on the table, tell each other how much we hate things about each other?” Where did that mythology come from? Because it seems very dangerous. BB: And she said, “This is the other side.” And I made a real mistake that day, because I said, “Oh, for sure, vulnerability is opening the heart.” And I actually told that story when I went up there. And what I’ve learned since then is you rarely open your heart without feeling weak in your knees. No matter who you are, or what kind of relationship you want to strengthen, The Seven-Day Love Prescription is guaranteed to provide you with the practical tools to transform any relationship in your life for the better. The Gottmans prove that small frequent changes over just seven days can strengthen the foundations of all relationships, allow them to flourish, and create big, long-lasting change over time.Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts. Every Monday and Wednesday morning, we’ll talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less. Mental health challenges: Illnesses such as anxiety and depression directly impact a person's ability to regulate their moods, affecting emotional intelligence. JSG: Right. What’s the history behind this? So, you don’t have to make any decisions when you ask big, open questions.

JSG: Sure, sure, because you’re not used to it, and anything that you haven’t done, normally in your life is always going to feel awkward until it’s so integrated into your life that it finally feels natural. That’s true for all of the skills in this book as well, all of the tools, are going to feel weird… JG: Yeah. Also, another motivation was, we know how to get people to change, but part of it is that it seems like it’s so hard to change your relationship. So we wanted something that people could do in just one week, a little bit at a time. So that they can get the ball rolling, and once you get the ball rolling. Then you’re on a different trajectory in life. BB: When I read that story, I was very tearful reading it because both of your stories, like many of our stories, were connected to survival. JSG: God, it’s amazing. And in Japan and South Korea, what call girls are being asked to do is simply cuddle, cuddle, with the client. JSG: Right, that’s such a sad description, and the way I visualize it is the bridge between the two of you has crumbled. But what we are doing, in this book, is helping you to create a new bridge.

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BB: Yeah, just to go to turn toward Steve or someone to turn toward their partner and say, “Here’s The Love Prescription: Seven Days To Intimacy, Joy, and Connection, and I want these things. And will you do this with me?” JSG: John and I, for example, almost every day, ask each other one simple question, “What’s on your mind and heart today?” Most of the time… JG: Yeah. She was all about creating boundaries, and she said relationships are about creating boundaries between one another. And I thought, that doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t want a relationship where I create boundaries that Julie can’t cross. So, I asked Julie, “Do I sound like her?” And Julie said, “Yes, you do.” So, we left, and we fired the therapist, and we started talking about why is this so important to Julie?JSG: And that is one of the most powerful connectors there is… So, let’s say what it is. Turning toward means, how do you respond to your partners bid for attention, bid for connection, and it doesn’t have to be a big bid. Somebody can be looking out a window and see a beautiful blue jay and turn to their partner and say, “Wow, look at that blue jay, it’s incredible.” Then what does the partner do? Well, the partner can say, “Wow, that’s fantastic. It’s really big.” JSG: Right. So, there you are turning against. How selfish of you to be asking me to do something when you know I’m really going to be busy. So instead, if you are really busy, because most of us are, say Okay, but I may not get to it until the end of the week. Is that all right?” BB: And so, we talked a little bit about that, reaching out and touching, what does that mean and what does it not mean? BB: Yeah, and he was just like, “I didn’t know. And to know how important it was for you, and that that was a thing…” I didn’t even say anything about the gift. I just said the little notes and stuff like that, for my birthday, but it was just such an example of how asking for what you need really has to come from a place sometimes of self-worth and self-respect, to say, “It’s okay that I ask for this.” From New York Times–bestselling authors Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, a simple yet powerful plan to transform your relationship in seven days