So, according to him, women can stop earning college degrees and starting businesses and running for high office. If they want equality, or to take over the world for that matter, all they need to do is cat-call the old white farts currently in charge and it will all just be . . . handed over. Because, you know, we’re old. And we’re flattered. I felt inadequate for ages until someone pointed out post-divorce, “You’re not a bad maid/nanny/ATM, Red – your XH just didn’t make enough money. If he didn’t have the lifestyle he wanted, that’s HIS fault, not yours. Besides, if you do all the work and make all the money, what in the hell do you need HIM for?” He grew up in a broken household where XFIL was a serial cheater and frequently gone, and XMIL was a basket case and frequently abusive (both physically and emotionally). XH often told me when we were dating that I was a “dream come true”– a beautiful girl from a stable family – everything he always wanted. Who knew he was lying? I certainly didn’t. When L told me about the affair I did my best to be supportive, but I saw all the signs of abuse and trauma S was experiencing. She had stopped having sex with him and started getting caught in lies about her naughty communication with other guys. L was gaslighting S to the point of him acting irrational and in her eyes “controlling” (insert eye roll). She became so spiteful and hateful of him and I begged her to leave him. I am obviously a flawed human. So you see, she had to cheat, but… it’s true “two wrongs don’t make a right” (this is how she would end listing my flaws as an explanation for cheating: “two wrongs don’t make a right”. How’s that for manipulative?).

Infidelity is the theft of your reality. You can’t cheat on someone without gaslighting them. It’s an insidious, intimate form of abuse. One that drove S to blow his brains out. L denied S’s reality. This man who was so devoted to her, she would not treat ethically. They cannot stand the concept that things going wrong in their lives are because of thier actions. You must share the blame. But if you listen carefully, they are really speaking to a mirror. Emotionally, he was EXTREMELY high maintenance. If I didn’t tell him EVERY DAY how smart, wonderful, and amazing he was, he pouted. We waited 11 years to have kids (to get him through grad school and post doc), but he left 100% of the parenting to me, and then became jealous by the amount of time and energy I spent on the children (because I had NO HELP). Sounds like he’s projecting, Kara. You’re not letting him off the hook for his bad behavior, and HE can’t let it go. It’s really bothering him. He can lie to himself that he’s a good person, but he knows that you know better.

Be an enigma. Don’t show them your vulnerability. Don’t try to plead or reason with them, or tell them you care. That’s power to a cheater. I know you don’t see it that way, but you’re not empathy- and character-deficient the way they are. This person has just demonstrated to you in the most intimate and humiliating way how little respect they have for your feelings. So it stands to reason that they cannot be trusted with more of your feelings.” I love this thread! My counselor told me that some people only start to feel remorse after twenty years of hitting their own head against a prison cell wall. If he had had a real conversation with me during those times, I am sure he would have ended up better off financially. I was still clueless and would have given him about anything he asked for. EC, that argument doesn’t work. Saying how a person killed himself isn’t cruel. CL can’t possibly account for what might trigger every single person and edit accordingly. That would ruin everything we love about the blog. She tells the unvarnished truth. If that’s upsetting for you, it’s probably not the right place for you at this time. You may need more time to heal so you aren’t triggered so easily. I understand how you feel, though.

From this day, until the day I die, I will exist only to honor my angel. She deserves better than the garbage I fed her for 8 years. Even if she moves on and remarries, I will continue to honor her. She deserves to be happy. She deserves to be honored and respected. SHE EARNED IT! I expect nothing from her. It is Father God’s job to forgive me. Not my angel’s. I am reformed in Christ and will stop at nothing to educate cheaters as to the depth of the damage we do in our cheating.Unfortunately, that totally describes my ex. It is narcissism and sociopathic behavior to abuse and disregard. NTB — this realization, seeing him clearly — and maybe for the first time in 25 years — is the start of better things for you and your kids. What you’re doing now is so hard. SO hard. Painful. Scary. But you will surprise yourself with your own strength. You’re doing this in part so that your children will have a healthy role model for how to treat themselves. You’re taking a stand for your own mental and emotional health. Somehow, not judging has become very much in vogue. When presented with a dilemma, it’s what the progressive-minded are supposed to do. Not judging is great when it comes to superficialities like, “I’m not going to judge your green, bouffant hair,” or civil rights like, “I’m not going to judge your sexual orientation,” but it falls apart when you apply it to moral dilemmas. “I’m not going to judge the Syrian refugee crisis” just makes you sound like an asshole.” Amazing, he’s still looking for kibbles from you! He wants that absolution, for you to say that he really is a good person who just did one little bad thing, and regrets it so much, why, that must make him an even BETTER person! Next time he starts going on about how you can’t let it go, just tell him, “Why don’t you just leave me alone? I’m not the one who’s forgiveness you need. I’m not the one you have to live with”.

Sadly suicidal thoughts can come out of nowhere and I have to disagree with Sally on her point below:Cheaters often display emotion when their affairs are discovered, but if you pay attention, it’s usually sympathy for themselves—not the pain they inflicted on you. What consequences are you going to impose on them? Whatever will people think? How will they live without their affair partner? Who did you tell? What do you know? Can’t you see how very difficult this is on them? Your pain is very upsetting.” Yes, the fact that he said that stuff to the assistant (if that was all in fact that had even happened) does not bode well for his wife. I’m not even saying the fact that he was willing to bow to her wishes in any way guarantees something similar (or worse) won’t happen in the future. But, I do remember when I was at my darkest moment, the thought of a gun crossed my mind. It was late at night, and I remember as soon as the thought hit my brain I sat up in bed and thought to myself: “I am not going to do that, because he will just tell everyone, see I told you she was crazy”. What I did instead was jump out of bed and call my dad, and we talked for a long time. I don’t think I told him about the incident; I just told him I was lonely and needed someone to talk to. Also the thought of the owhore waltzing into my life, taking my home and little one. I’m sure FW and OW would have loved that I think my ex had the same plan. People called me paranoid for it but it just made sense. My ex slipped up and revealed he’d been actively planning to divorce me for at least the last six years of our 20 year marriage. That’s part of why I got alimony for ten years. During that six years, I quit a job that could support me and provided me with insurance because he didn’t want to help out at home and wanted a housewife. A couple years before the discard (right before I quit my job) I talked to him seriously worrying he wasn’t happy. I offered him an easy divorce if that’s what he wanted because I felt like he wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be around me. He sobbed, begged, pleaded, took time off work to spend time with me. All to reassure me he was all in and loved me.